i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
