yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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