Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
