Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
