I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Couch. On fire.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
