There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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