dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
