I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
