Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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