If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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