His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
