it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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