I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
