Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
