I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
