FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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