There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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