i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
