My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am one with the molecules
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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