I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
