I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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