the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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