I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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