We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize