Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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