you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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