when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
