I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
