filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
