textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
