I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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