The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize