Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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