smell my finger.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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