he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
me + whiskey = a bad person
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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