just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
we should paint friendship bongs
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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