My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
