We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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