I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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