i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
