clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
