I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize