maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
