I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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