I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm like, not good at living.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
