dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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