I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
