I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
