I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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