I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
