Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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