i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize