Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
