Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
