Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
