I hate all girls vehemently.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
