I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
