Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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