Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I wish there were birth control emojis
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
