Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My vagina is officially offended.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
