She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
