I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
