So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i believe in u and ur pee
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
