just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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