Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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