are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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