I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
